A Functioning Cog

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I’d say I’d rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

I love Fleet Foxes.

This project of mine (seeking an inner quiet) has been continuing far longer than the weeks originally planned. I think it’s really a good objective to constantly be striving for, though. I stopped taking down a journal of my daily experiences, so writing this blog is a lot harder without those notes, but there are a few things that always crop up in my mind.

Mortality is one of these things. I’m Catholic, and one of my favorite rituals is being marked on Ash Wednesday. “You are dust and to dust you shall return,” we are reminded. Death is so taboo in our culture, but it’s senseless to try to avoid. Being in the cemetery here is nice because of the beauty of the park, but I also like it because gazing upon all the gravestones is always a humbling experience.  It helps to put my stress in perspective. I’ve also had a lot to think about regarding mortality in my personal life since my dad died in September. His heart attack was very unexpected, so now I’ve vowed to not take life for granted so much. Before September, death was such a distant concept to me. It still sucks, but it would be wrong to say that I haven’t grown immensely as a person as a result of embracing the frailty of life. To me, mortality is just another mechanism that links us together as cogs in some great machine. What do you think?

This will be my last blog post, but as mentioned before, this project is an ongoing one for me. It was cool to be able to work a personal goal into a class. Hopefully reading some of my reflections has been interesting; I would highly encourage all of you to just stop and breathe once in a while. Sometimes (actually most times) it’s hard to find the time, but all we really have to do is live and die. What’s the rush?

Southern Hemisphere Dreams

In class we’ve been reading a lot about slowing down, simplifying, balancing, and appreciating things more. While trying to make up work for two weeks in 18 hours of classes has prevented me from enacting the changes that our readings are promoting, I feel that the time I got to spend in South Africa was totally worth my current stress. For the two weeks that I was there, I was actually able to live quietly and in close connection with nature.

Grasses were the focus of the study I worked on, but in getting to the field sites every day I got to see almost all of the iconic megafauna. Watching the animals go about their business was amazing because I knew that they were where they belonged- not locked up in some zoo exhibit. Our drives were quite frequently delayed by crossing herds of zebra, wildebeest, or buffalo, and hearing lions roar in the distance while we collected data proved the necessity of our game guard.

What I understood to be my place in nature was definitely shifted; however, it was not in the way I had anticipated. Aside from a couple of creepy experiences with hyenas, I did not find myself fearing the large carnivores. Based on the conversations among people who really lived there, the most dangerous animals were snakes, scorpions, and elephants. The former two are highly venomous (and for lack of nearby medical facilities, deadly) and I often encountered them just walking from my tent to the toilets. I found elephants to be most humbling because of their raw physical power. Even a car couldn’t offer bodily protection if you offended one- the scariest part of my trip was when we drove over a hill and surprised an elephant and her calf. She was not happy to see us, and we were lucky to get away before she charged.

Though I had to start worrying about more basic tenets of survival there, I found incredible peace of mind in the beauty and simplicity of my daily life. I worked up a good sweat, showered, ate, and slept. There was no need to spend all day on my cell phone or computer, even if the technology had been available. Making dinner together and having real conversations was the norm instead of a special occasion like it is here. Coming back home was overwhelming and saddening, because I simply cannot live the life I want AND attend school. For now, I’ll get by with dreams about returning to South Africa or graduating.

Monsters and Distractions

Pests really are monsters. What else can you call something that can carry bacteria like staph and Salmonella?

I got a flier in the mail from Terminix this week. It was full of statements like the gem above and assured me that my family and home would be protected from those cockroach, ant, and rodent monsters if I bought their pest control plan.

This kind of attitude really bothers me. I don’t like being buzzed around or crawled upon any more than the next person; when we found bed bugs in our house the couches were promptly ousted and a major cleaning campaign (complete with pesticides) initiated. I guess it could be said that the bed bugs were out to get me, since they needed my blood, but they were just pests– not inherently evil monsters. Though pests may be inconvenient for me, I cannot fault them for existing. I don’t own this world.

So that’s my rant. In other news:

I’ve been distracted. This project, I must confess, has not been getting the attention it deserves. Twenty minutes isn’t very much time to take out of every day and just focus on being alive, but I have found that in order to get much out of the exercise I need to plan for at least an hour… and I’m not very good at planning. Instead of a deeply spiritual experience out on some scenic hilltop, most days I just have a study break in my backyard. I’ve almost come to enjoy windy days more than calm ones because the howling of the wind muffles the sounds of nearby traffic on Claflin.

BUT I’m leaving for South Africa tomorrow. For almost three weeks I will be camping at Kruger National Park instead of running the daily races here in MHK, and the pests in my life will be thieving baboons instead of Terminix fliers. Since the official purpose of my trip is work, I have no idea how much free time I will have for daily meditations, but I am sure that the drastic change in scenery (not to mention my change of rank in the food chain) will do wonders for my growth as a person and member of the natural world. Wish me luck!

First Steps

Everyone in my immediate family has at least one tattoo. When I turned 18, it was expected that I would also get one, but I had never been crazy enough about any particular design to get one permanently inked into my skin… until the fall of 2009. While looking at a display of Celtic jewelry at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, I came across a tree of life. I became enchanted with this symbol which communicated the interconnectedness of all living things, and began sketching my own version of the tree because I knew that I had finally found something worthy of a tattoo.

The tree of life describes so much of what I value as a person, but unfortunately a tattoo on my back is not enough to keep me from getting caught up in the daily races and occasionally forgetting my place in the grand scheme of things. It’s so easy to get lost in all the noise. I want to live quietly: I want to be less offensive, selfish, and obnoxious. I want to live more peacefully, simply, patiently, and deliberately. Therefore, I will be walking my talk this month by taking time every day to meditate. I’ve already started to practice clearing my mind by doing this inside, but next week I will be moving out of doors so that I can more easily reflect upon my place in the natural world. Awareness and appreciation are the first steps in acting responsibly toward the environment and my fellow living beings, right?

If nothing else, at least Neil deGrasse Tyson also likes being connected.